last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
