my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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