these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
