Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
