guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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