I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
