my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
