What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize