Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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