I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
