I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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