chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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