Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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