So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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