just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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