I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
