So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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