Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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