I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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