im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
