we made out on top of his cat.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
