when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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