yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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