WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
