he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
