If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
