You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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