Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
