i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
