Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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