***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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