I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
