Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
