i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
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