I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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