capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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