I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
