I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
