then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
