you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
