Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
