its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
