I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
