so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
