Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
