Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
