So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
