Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
