Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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