taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
