I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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