whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
