Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
