do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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