Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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