apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
