Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
